Test: Are YOU a pedophile?

Test yourself

With the Powerful Patented Pedometric Perversion Test

Many psychologists have tried to find a method for diagnosing who is pedophile. The most popular method is to place a so-called peter meter on the penis of the suspect and show him kiddie porn. If the boner-beeper shows that the penis is getting bigger then he is a pedophile. But to the great despair of the psychologists, it turned out that 87% of all men show a positive reaction on this test (12% are impotent, and 1% are blind). 

In order to help the bleeding heart psychologists, the experts in the Danish Pedophile Association have developed this very dependable test. Without any other equipment than an internet connection, this cutting-edge test can predict with certainty whether a person is pedophile (If he doesn't have an internet connection, he is not a pedophile!).

This test is based on an extensive knowledge of pedophile behavior. Please note that the test is patented by the Danish Pedophile Association. Psychologists who want to use this test must pay a license fee of 10,000$. Anybody else can use it for free at your own risk.

How to do the test:

Just answer all the questions, and press the button.

Good luck!

Test yourself With the Powerful Patented Pedometric Perversion Test

Many psychologists have tried to find a method for diagnosing who is pedophile. The most popular method is to place a so-called peter meter on the penis of the suspect and show him kiddie porn. If the boner-beeper shows that the penis is getting bigger then he is a pedophile. But to the great despair of the psychologists, it turned out that 87% of all men show a positive reaction on this test (12% are impotent, and 1% are blind).

In order to help the bleeding heart psychologists, the experts in the Danish Pedophile Association have developed this very dependable test. Without any other equipment than an internet connection, this cutting-edge test can predict with certainty whether a person is pedophile (If he doesn't have an internet connection, he is not a pedophile!).

This test is based on an extensive knowledge of pedophile behavior. Please note that the test is patented by the Danish Pedophile Association. Psychologists who want to use this test must pay a license fee of 10,000$. Anybody else can use it for free at your own risk.

How to do the test:

Just answer all the questions, and press the button.

Good luck!

You are visiting aunt Sally and uncle Sam. While you are sitting at the coffee table, their children come in and show you a toy ship that they have built themselves. What do you do?

• You say: Don't disturb me. Can't you see I'm talking with your mom.
• You say: Oh, isn't it nice. How smart you are. Why don't you go out and play with it in the bathtub.
• You tell them how they can improve the ship.
• You drive the kids to the nearby lake to try if the ship can sail. Suddenly you discover that you have spent five hours playing with the kids, while aunt Sally is still waiting with her home-made cakes.

You are out riding your bike, when you pass by a group of kids crowding round a child who is lying down and crying:

• You don't even notice them.
• You think: The other kids are there to help and comfort. No need for me to stop.
• You stop for a second, asking if anything serious has happened.
• You park your bike and comfort the child that looks most beautiful, rather than the child that is crying.

At work, a colleague comes and says that there is a phone call for you:

• It is your boss who wants you to check some accounts.
• It's your wife, asking you to pick up the kids at the preschool because she is working late. You ask for a couple of hours off.
• It is a kid from your sports club, asking if you have got the new club uniforms.
• It is the kid you met at a burger bar the other day, asking you to take him/her out to the movies again.

The neighbor's son is home alone for a couple of days:

• You tell him that he may call if there are any problems.
• You invite him in for dinner.
• You set up an extra bed for him in your house, and take him for a trip to the science museum.
• You think: Damn it! I wish it was the daughter.

The opposite neighbor's daughter is home alone for a couple of days:

• You suggest that she stay with her granny.
• You invite her in and ask her to help cook the dinner and wash the dishes.
• You set up an extra bed for her in your house, and take her out for a concert with the hottest pop idols.
• You think: Damn it! I wish it was the son.

The neighbor's son/daughter can't find out his/her math exercises:

• You couldn't care less.
• You say: Why do you always make them in the last minute?
• You show where in the math book it is described, and explains in the most pedagogical manner how to solve the exercises.
• You do the exercises for him/her, and then you watch TV together.

You have friends on a visit. Their 4 year-old son moons you to get attention and asks you to give him a pat in his behind:

• You ask the parents to reprove their child.
• You scold the child.
• You help the child getting his pants on.
• You think: If I pat him in the ass they will suspect me of being pedophile, but if I don't I am repressing his sexuality. Finally, you take a teddy bear and let the teddy bear clap him in his behind.

You are feeling bored one night and turn on the TV. What do you watch?

• Jerry Springer.
• A romantic movie.
• A cartoon.
• A program about computer games.
• A concert with the pop idols that all teenagers are crazy about.
• You keep zapping around to find something with kids.

It is before Christmas, and catalogues from all the department stores are overflowing every mail box. What do you look for?

• You check who has the lowest price on the perfume that you wife wants.
• You look at the pages with toys to find out what to give your grandchildren.
• You immediately find the pages with kids' underwear.
• You have a sign on you door saying: No advertisements please.

What do you do in your spare time?

• Take extra work to save money for a bigger car.
• Take the family out for a picnic.
• I am coaching in a karate club.
• I am instructor in a horse riding school.
• My home is filled with model planes and computer games. All the neighborhood kids hang out here every afternoon.
• I am bumming around in game arcades trying in vain to get in contact with some kids. Then I get drunk to take away the frustrations.
• I am active in an organization against child abuse.

In the locker room at the public swimming bath there is a boy who can't get off his swimming trunks because the knot on the string has gone tight:

• You don't take notice.
• You call the attendant.
• You cut the string for him.
• You are fumbling for twenty minutes, trying to untie the knot.

You call your workplace saying you can't come because you are ill. But the true reason is:

• You are over-stressed and haven't made your income tax form.
• You have promised to take your daughter out and buy clothes.
• You have been sitting all night playing computer games with a boy from the neighborhood.
• The daughter of your second cousin's colleague has a day off from school and you take her for a trip to an amusement park.

You are eating at a fast food restaurant. At the neighboring table a boy has a quarrel with the waiter, who says that roller skates are not allowed in here:

• You pretend not to notice.
• You help get the boy kicked out.
• You defend the boy, saying that this is a family restaurant and they should be more tolerant to kids.

Some kids are playing ball outside your window. They make so much noise that you can't concentrate on the book you are reading:

• You close the window.
• You tell the children to be quiet.
• Looking at the kids cheers you up. You discover that the weather is too good for sitting indoors, and decide to go for a walk.
• You go out and play with the kids.

SOURCE: http://web.archive.org/web/20050406033120/http://205.205.236.41/english/selftest.php