Criss
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Criss
The following was written by Llewellyn and posted on BoyChat in early September, 1997. I have reproduced the post verbatim.
Hiya brother Alexis !
It was with great pleasure I read your BC history. KEWL ! (And I always thought I was the one who studied history hahahahaha), but anyways I do admire the tremendous amount of work you put into it and some of your writings do merit an update, particularely the ones concerning Criss.
At this point in time I am still (and that's also the way Criss sees it) his dad. Our story has become a very long and complicated one and also involves some of the other regulars here.
My update must involve what happened during the months of february-may 1997 and why I went to see AD in april, right up to the day in may Criss had to abandon his computer and sent his last letter (until now) by regular mail. I might even have to type that letter into a mail message. I'm still thinking of what I should do. And that letter also included his picture (and it's him, there can be no doubt about that).
Basically I need time to write the History of Criss, and time is very scarce to me, at least until well into october. On top of that the 8-year relation between me and my Nikki ended in July (to be more precise, I kicked him out and I had some very good reasons which I will explain later too) so you can understand I'm not at my best at the moment. But I will be again, and that's a promise.
OK, in short the Criss-headlines:
- he lived in CA until his brother got killed in an accident of which Criss blamed himself, he cut his wrists because of it, was saved in time and after his recovery he moved with his mother to Ohio
- his mother got acquainted with a guy named Ted who raped Criss on two occasions and who threatened to kill him and his mother whenever he would tell anyone about it
- as a way of "making up" the guy bought him his computer and gave him Internet (christmas 1996) and shortly afterwards Criss showed up on BC
- well, it is is well known how Criss and me got involved with each other and we started to exchange e-mails
- in february I got a panick-mail because his mother had announced her plans to marry that man and they would be moving in within a week. At this point AD got involved because it's rather difficult trying to control things from Holland. So there was this other USA-citizen who declared to be willing to put up a fight and both of us tried to help the kid (IMPORTANT: at this point he still hadn't mentioned his abuse to us)
- during march/april we did a lot of research regarding U.S. Custody Laws, Child Protection Laws, etc.etc. you name it, we read it
- half april Criss asked me to go with him to an online chatboard because he wanted to tell me things he could not send by e-mail for fear of third parties possibly being able to read his posts. We got online and he told about his abuse and that he was very afraid he might be killed (I will spare you the details, take it from me they were pretty disgusting). So we decided (Criss, me and AD) he had to leave.
- Criss had some money to spend, he knew where he would have to go and how to execute things. He also knew I would be going to the US to be there for him and as soon as we got him safe into our hands we would decide what to do next (yes, that is exactly why I visited AD)
- then all communication stopped. I went over to the USA, Criss never showed up, I spent a week at AD's and at a certain point decided to take the plane to Ohio and try to find him myself, because at this point AD and me were getting very much afraid he might be dead already. In his mail and online Criss stressed repeatedly he was scared stiff about what might happen to him if we would go back on our promise and send in the Police and CPS after all AND THAT HE HAD THEREFORE NOT BEEN GIVING OUT HIS REAL NAME, ADDRESS AND DATES
- In Ohio I tried everything possible, saw a lot of landmarks and streets he had mentioned in his messages (so he sure was living there), visited libraries, schools, suburbs and even the Courthouse (brrrrrrrrrr), but to no avail. After two days I returned to AD, rather in despair, and the day after that returned to Holland
- meanwhile we continued sending e-mail to Criss (telling him I had been over to the US amongst other things) and one day in May I got a very short message from him saying he couldn't write much because he was using someone elses computer, that he was safe and that he was not living with that man anymore. He was preparing a letter for me to be sent by regular mail and so he did
- in the letter he stated that he could not bring himself to trusting us completely (also because he had the feeling we were not trusting him completely, which was right) and that he also didn't want to leave his mother. The letter is a mere 20 pages so I'm leaving out 99.9 % of it. In the end he made another attempt on his own life (pills this time), was found by his mother, whom he finally told about the rape and she believed him. She took him out of that house (he had to leave his computer there, that was the moment all communication had stopped) and they have lived at a trailerpark until the end of the schoolyear. Currently they have moved back to CA and he might show up again one day. In his letter he also tells he is very sorry about what he did to us and that he never expected me to go over there and try to find him ("Why couldn't you just ignore me, like everybody else did?" and the most painful of all "I know now why I never had a dad, I don't deserve one" - yes, I cried over that one) and what bothers him most at the moment is not his rape or his second suicide attempt, but his feelings of guilt about all the trouble, pain and grief he caused us. And that includes all people on BC too. Let it be known.
In the end, some thoughts:
- Criss might have been a non-police hoax. Personally I don't think so. All his messages have the true "boy"-feeling to it and his anxiety and fears when online were very real indeed. Above that he sent me a very loving message, which will be included at the bottom, which leaves no doubt in my mind. Also his written letter is in a child's hand (with his famous bad spelling) and has the ring of thruth about it (AD has a copy). Included in the letter was his picture, taken March 97 and written on the back is "To Dad - I will allways love you - Tiger".
- Criss might have been a police sting. NO WAY. During all the time I was in the USA I kept sending him messages about whatever move I was making, informing him about my planned visit to his hometown. No doubt I would have been arrested at the airport in Ohio if Criss had been police. I wasn't arrested (but sure had some anxious moments every time I was leaving another airplane)
In short, this is the story of Criss. Even now that this post has become much much much longer then I intended it to be I still haven't told you even half of it. Actually I could write a book about it and perhaps I will someday. Needless to say AD and me got very upset about all this and that is one of the reasons neither of us has been posting much lately. But I will be posting again, that's a promise. Give me time.
OK, at the end of this page is Criss' Gift of Love to me. I keep it in it's own folder on my HD. It's the best gift I ever had from anyone.
Love and hugs to all,
Llewellyn
- Truth is the Daughter of Time -
PS. A story by Criss
Dad I have written a story for you It might be my best ability and I want to do something nice for you and this is a way of saying how much I love you!
Please don't freak ok I get very into writing a story and I have a lot of them I have wrote and I will bring them along when I come. But this is a special story because its a true one just for you.
A boy finds his father
By Criss
There was a boy one time who didn't have a father to call his own. He needed a father and he knew he had one but he couldn't find him. The years of wondering and hoping and dreaming really was bothering this boy This story is about a boy who finds his father finnialy.
This all started in October of 1996. A boy so alone trying to fit in. Afraid and lonely slowly facing a certain death of dreams.
Life had been going down hill for so long First his brother passed away then he tried to end his own life and then was moved to a strange place away from where his dreams and hopes and life was. Like the deep and dark whole his brother was in, this boys hopes lay ed beside him.
A new town a new school could this be better? No only worse Now not only did the boy mourn his brother he also was cut off from his friends and support he needed so badly.
But a least the boy still had his Mother. Good ole Mom will never let her boy down. But that's not the way it happened The boys mother not only let him down she killed his last dreams or so she thought.
The boys Mother refused to say who the boys father was even though she knew he needed to know so badly. He dreamed of one day finding his father and finding out how great he was and being able to tell the other kids Hey look this is my Dad NO Im not a bastard this is my Daddy. And the boy dreamed and dreamed.
The boys mother in the mean time had other dreams and they did not include her dear boy. No you see she wanted something else in life. She wanted a man to call her own and a husband to live with. She was able to find this and she did find it.
The boy was introduced to this Man. He seemed like a nice enough guy. Funny and very happy acting kind of guy heck he even called the boy "sport" Something that sent chills down the boys back because that was exactly what his late brother called him. Could this be the guy? Is this my Dad? Could it be? NO it wasn't!
The man not only wasn't the boys father he was also someone who turned into the boys worst nightmare come true. Suddenly the boys mother began to stop talking to him. The man picked on the boy he called him names. He pushed the boy down when he tried to walk He laughed at the boy when he hurt and cried he stole the last bit of hope the boy had. The man was able to turn the boys mother against him The boy was now completely alone and had no one left in the whole world.
And things got even worse for the boy. Even in school he was picked on and beat up for things that made no sense to him. And now he was left all alone even in his home. He sat day after day listening to the clock tick tock tick tock The boy wanted to die he knew nothing else to do.
But still even though the boy thought it was as bad as it possibly could get and nothing could make it worse HE WAS WRONG. The man decieded one night to teach the boy a lesson. A lesson the boy knew nothing of and didn't want to know of. The man raped the boy sexually on two different times.
Now the boy was even worse. He now feared for his life he felt dirty and shameful He didn't smile anymore and he cried himself to sleep every night so alone and so afraid . Why god must this boy go through this What could be the reason God. Why god why.
The man began to notice the boys sadness and with a little bit of kindness in his evil heart actually felt sorry for the boy. He asked the boy what would he like to make him feel better. The boy thought in his mind death was the only way to feel better. But for some reason unknown the boy said" Well I sure could use a computer".
The boy got his wish and received a computer. Christmas 1996 Also as another gift he received something called the internet. The boy didn't even know what the internet was but he soon began to find out and he began taking his lonely hours and learning more and more and he soon found out the internet was something as big as the world was and he was completely fascinated by it
But still the boy had problems He soon found ways to talk to other people his own age. He still felt alone and rejected.
One day while the boy was playing on the internet he was looking for a new chat room and he found a page called boychat. He looked at the page and read some letters on it. Yes it did seem very strange to the boy. Grown men was talking about loving boys. What kind of a place is this the boy thought. He seen a word for the first time their a word called "Boylove" Just what is this he thought? For a joke the boy wrote a short message on that board. He thought to himself hey maybe someone will talk to me since im a boy and this is about boylove.
So he wrote a message and turned of his computer for the night. The next day the boy decieded to see if anyone wrote back and was he ever surprised! But also his feelings was very hurt as he read message after message by those men who called themselves boylovers calling him fake and saying he wasn't real and telling him to get out because he wasn't wanted.But the boy was able to find a few good letters among the bad. One was from a strange name he could spell or even say. And it was a kind message that made him feel good. So the boy wrote again and this time told a little about himself.
The next day the boy was very surprised to see double the amount of letters to him and suddenly they was not bad ones People began to talk to the boy and was he ever excited about it. People from all over the world was writting to the boy he couldn't believe it. Also that first nice man continued to write the boy. The boy felt a funny feeling with every letter he received from him A feeling of want and love, something the boy forgot the feeling of.
As the days went on and the letters continued the boy felt closer and closer to this man with the funny name. He began to watch this name and he decieded only to write to the other names that he did. The funny named man always ended his letters saying I do love you. The boy felt so good to hear those words. How could a perfect stranger love me the boy thought. Who is this man with the funny name the boy thought.
And then one night it happened. Someone on the board talked about the boys biggest pain DEATH. The boy told (who he thought was the only people on the earth that would listen to him) his story and his sadness about his brother. He got the normal thing from most people there stuff like Im sorry and its not your fault ect... But the man with the funny name did feel my pain He knew what I felt and he shared his pain with me to show me I was not alone That night was the first night since the boys brother passed away that he didn't feel alone And even though the boy cried himself to sleep that night he felt a strange feeling one he wanted so badly. A feeling of being loved by someone. A feeling that someone did care. A feeling of hope in a dark world graced the boys eyes.
That night the boy had a dream. He dreamed about this man with the funny name. The next day the boy continued thinking about the mans words and what they meaned to him. He began to continuously think about this man He wanted to know who he was and was he for real The boy knew already in his heart the man was real.
So begins another level of this new friendship. After thinking about it a long time the boy decieded to e mail this man with the funny name. He then found out that the mans name was ........ (edited; Ll.) and that he indeed was the real thing. The two began to call themselves father and son The boy began to feel more and more like this was his real father. The boy layed awake at night thinking of this man he now called Dad. Day after Day went by the Man never missing a day even when the boy couldn't write the man always did no matter what. They laughed together cried together The boy began to see a bright light in the man so bright it was blinding him.
The boy was able to know love again. For this he cherished his new Dad And he knew he would be ok and that the darkness would soon turn to light.
You see the boy found himself not only a father but the best friend he will ever live to know.
The End of part 1
Dad every word of this is true these are my deepest thoughts and even though this is a sad letter with a happy ending, its not finished There will be more to write I have nothing else of worth to give you to show my love for you. I am giving you my mind in this story. I want you to know what you mean to me and what you have done for me. The boy is able to smile again thanks to the man with the strange name!
I love you Dad I would die for you and I will never let you be lonely or sad.
Your son Criss
