User:Lysander/Initiatory relationships

On this page, I will post some thoughts on initiatory relationships between older (more experienced) men and younger (less experienced) men. I will use the terms "older" and "younger" for simplicity, but I really mean "more developed" and "less developed". However, the most typical manifestation of this relationship will be between a master/mentor/older man and an apprentice/mentee/younger man.

The guidance is a synthesis from George Leonard's Mastery, Robert Greene's Mastery, various writings from the Mythopoetic Men's Movement, Confucian philosophy, selected books and films (The Magus, Good Will Hunting, Gran Torino, etc.), business case studies, biographical and historical examples, and my own experience as both the older and the younger man.

In general, this guidance should apply to practical matters as well as psychological matters. It should apply to father/son, mentor/mentee, master/apprentice, teacher/student, and all other similar arrangements with an unequal balance of power. It will not necessarily translate to peer-to-peer relationships.

Older Man

• The older man has the obligation to critically examine his own thoughts and experiences to separate—to the best of his ability—that which is perennial from that which is particular to his time, place, and personality. He is obliged to actually think about the person, the situation, and the particular relevant details rather than knee-jerking from his own past.
  • The mentor who mistakes what was particular for what was perennial will give advice that was perhaps once good but that no longer applies. He will sound like Grandpa Simpson and get just as much attention and respect.
  • The mentor who mistakes what was unique to his own personality for what was perennial will give advice based on what worked well for him but may not work well for the mentee.
• The older man has the obligation to limit his advice to what the younger man can understand and synthesize. Most people can accept one (or maybe two) corrections at a time, but a complete overhaul of their life takes time. His guidance must therefore self-limit to what is most pertinent while working toward what is most important.
• The older man should explicitly admire the younger for who he is and for his great potential. If he cannot do this, he should abandon the relationship.
• The older man should set standards higher than the younger man thinks himself capable of.

Risks and Rewards

• The mentor runs the risk that his mentee will turn against him, knowing everything he has been taught and now having access to the social circles to which he has been introduced.
• The mentor's reward is that his mentee will become a respected figure in his own right who acknowledges the giant on whose shoulders he stood. In this case, the best of all is when the apprentice surpasses the master.

Younger Man

• The younger man needs to trust that the older man has a broader perspective and more experience than he does. Therefore, he must trust his elder. He should acknowledge to himself his inferior position and knowledge while working to change it.
  • If the younger man cannot accept this, then there is no relationship, or it is not really an initiatory relationship.
  • If the younger man cannot trust the elder, yet seeks guidance, then he needs to separate and find a different teacher.
• The young man does not surrender his agency to a guru, but in the subject which he is learning he should follow instructions even if he does not yet understand the purpose.
• While still trusting, the mentee man needs to critically examine his mentor for flaws, shortcomings, and myopia. These will become increasingly important over time.
• When choosing a master, the apprentice should look not only at the master himself, but at his other apprentices. An accomplished mind with mediocre students is a sure sign that he cannot effectively transfer what he knows.
• The younger man should accept responsibility for his choice in finding, identifying, and accepting an older man as a mentor.

Risks and Rewards

• The mentee runs the risk that his master will become jealous and possessive, holding him back, discouraging him, trying to keep him under his thumb, and eventually using his weight to block further work.
• The mentee's reward is that he gains access to the knowledge and social circles of the mentor, accelerating his development and enhancing his opportunities.

The Mentorship Process

• Mentorship can be divided into three stages:
  • Early on, the mentee does exactly as the mentor instructs, without deviation or question.
  • In the middle stages, the mentor backs off and the mentee is given discretion in minor matters.
  • In the final stage, almost all supervision is removed, and the mentor reverts to availability for troubleshooting complex, rare, and especially difficult issues.
• Most westerners try to skip the first stage altogether. They associate this stage with eastern subservience. They miss entirely that even in the east this is only a first step in a dynamic process, not a static relationship.
• Both the mentor and the mentee need to adapt to this process. The stages do not necessarily need to last very long. Dragging them out slows progress and causes the mentee to lose confidence. Rushing them may endanger the mentee, cause a devastating failure, or fail to create a solid foundation of knowledge and experience.