(Boylove Essays) - Mothers, Sex, and Shame
Take a sexually mature female and a sexually mature male. Put them together - and they often mate. Nature insists on mating taking place - it's the only way to continue the species.
The human male's initial investment in the resulting embryo is small. He impregnates the female by donating his sperm, then goes off to kill a deer or a moose for the next day's meal.
The human female, once impregnated, begins a lengthy process of hormonal changes to her body. Nothing is evident for the first few months, then the changes become more obvious. Her female functions go into overdrive to get ready to produce another human. Her body transforms itself into a 'baby machine'. Her hormones go wild. Her breasts swell up, her body shape changes. As the baby grows inside her, it becomes heavier and heavier, producing great stress on the mother's body.
Then comes the birth - like shitting a bowling ball. Not a pleasant experience.
So, what is the investment by the man throughout the woman's pregnancy? Very little. He has to provide a bit more food. He has to put up with the woman's bitchiness and whining because of her hormonal changes. Towards the end of the pregnancy, household chores may be neglected, meals may be late or he may have to prepare them for himself. When the birth comes, the woman is incapacitated for several days and, in a 'natural' environment, the female relatives will step in to keep the household going.
Now the mother is the proud possessor of a brand-new 'me machine'. The baby is 'me-me-me' about everything. Feed me. Change me. Burp me. Dress me. Me, me, me!
Meanwhile, the father has to make a living - kill another moose or whatever, so the rearing of the child falls mostly onto the mother. Not surprisingly, because it is the mother who has the food supply for the baby - they are hanging from her chest. She doesn't herself even have to eat, actually. Nature has provided that her body will cannibalize itself in order to make milk for the baby. She literally can 'feed off of her own body' in order to feed the baby.
So the investment by the female has been tremendous, in terms of time, effort, energy, and suffering. If she loses the baby, for whatever reason, she will have to go through the whole damned thing again! Not a pleasant prospect.
So she wants to protect her investment. And she does this jealously! Don't ever put yourself between a female and her offspring! She will kill you if she thinks her young are in danger!
For the first year or so, the damned thing can't even walk. So the mother has to carry the damned thing around with her if she goes anywhere. And all the damned thing wants to do is hang onto her nipples sucking her body away. The damned thing only wants to eat, sleep, shit, piss, and cry!
Now, nature is not stupid - the only way nature can get the female to put up with all this shit is to make her absolutely enamored of the little bastard. It becomes her pride and joy. Her crowning glory. She did it! She reproduced! She ensured that her genes will continue!
Meanwhile, the man is like - 'eh, I could always impregnate you again, or another women, to ensure that my genes continue. No big deal. What's all the fuss about this kid anyway? OK, OK - I was just kidding! Oh, look at our wonderful little child!' Then he turns, and under his breath says, 'yeah - the filthy little noisy bastard'.
So for the first years - the formative years of the baby's personality - the mother wants to make sure that the damned thing doesn't die. She hovers over it, worrying about every little thing. The baby/toddler accepts this, because it instinctively understands that it is wholly dependent on the mother for its very survival. The mother is always going, 'No! Don't touch! Hot!' 'No, don't climb that! You'll fall and hurt yourself!' 'No, leave that alone!' 'No, don't touch!'
Pretty soon the baby/toddler looks to his mother for directions on everything. Is this OK? Is that OK? Will this hurt me? Will that hurt me?
Then comes toilet training. Babies will grab a handful of their own shit, when they can. It's nice and warm and squishy and fun! Babies pee and shit all over themselves. Mothers want to train them to do it into a toilet, to make her life easier. So she deliberately begins to shame the baby to try to make it control its bodily processes. 'No! Dirty! No! Bad!'
Here, culture comes into the picture. Some cultures are more accepting of their bodies and their bodies' physical processes. Others are less accepting.
In 'body-phobic' cultures, bodily processes - shitting, pissing, throwing up, became 'dirty' and 'bad'. And, by extension, the places involved in the shitting and pissing and throwing up become bad too. The child feels shame about his anus, his penis/her vagina, and all the solids and fluids which originate there.
Now, shame is a very powerful control mechanism, and is very useful for the mother to control the baby. She has a 'handle' that she can easily manipulate the child with. Why let that go to waste - it works so well!
The problem is that the baby has to grow up and become independent, so it too can reproduce. So it has to rebel against the mother, and establish its own personality. But the mother resists, and fights back. 'Obey me! I am your Mother!
Well, where is the father as all this has been happening? He wasn't involved much in the toilet training, so he did not really have to instill shame into the baby/toddler. If the mother wanted to do it - and it worked - then he went along with the idea. Why not? The damned thing finally learned to use the toilet! What a fucking relief! No more damned diapers!
But something else has changed - by now, the father has invested quite a bit into this particular baby. If it now dies, he will lose his investment. So now, it is not just the mother who has a lot to lose, but the father, too. So he takes more of an interest in the toddler/young person - he wants it to survive, too. He has paid a relatively high price now for this particular expression of his genes, and the damned thing looks like it just might make it to adulthood!
Now, the baby has by the age of 3 or 4 developed its basic personality. It has developed certain expectations about other humans - what they are like, how they will react to him, are they kind and good or mean and cruel.
And depending on his personality and how much shame was used to manipulate its behavior, he will judge the value and the worth of his sex organs and the feelings that he can produce with them. First, by himself. If the shaming was not too severe and he has not become too phobic about his bodily processes, then he will explore the genitals of the other toddlers around him.
But then there may (or may not) come more shaming from the adults around him, who themselves when young learned to some degree or another about the 'shame' of bodily functions and about genitals being 'dirty' and 'bad'. How the young person responds to this continued shaming depends on his own personality. He may deny and repress his budding sexuality and 'obey' the adults. Or he may not, and just learn that he has to do sexual things out of the sight of adults.
So different children are different in how they accept their sexuality, and how they express it. Some are luckier than others, and can enjoy sex-play with their peers (and even perhaps with adults) without being hindered too much. Sex becomes a natural part of their lives.
Others children repress their sexual feelings, and feel great shame for having them. The may secretively masturbate, then feel great guilt afterwards. The cannot talk to anyone about sex, so their guilt and shame festers inside them, and they grow up to be insecure, self-doubting, troubled individuals.
Some discover when they approach or enter their teen years that they prefer playing sexually with their same-sex peers. Most of these will find that their attractions will age as they themselves age. A smaller number will find that they remain attracted to younger people sexually, even as they grow older.
How they deal with their feelings will go back to their experiences with shame as a small child. Will they feel that what they think about sexually is shameful? Will they feel guilty for their thoughts or behaviors? It all depends on their upbringing and their personalities. Some will, and some won't.
But, whether the person is attracted to males of the same ages, males who are younger, or females, there will remain one constant - normally, they will want to establish feelings of closeness and emotional warmth with whomever they are attracted to.
We here know how that feels. ;- )
Anyway, this has turned out much longer than I expected! Sorry if you hung on all the way to the end and was disappointed. I didn't intend to waste your time. I just thought that this all might be interesting for some here. And I just noticed that I spent an hour and a half on this, too! I really need to learn to spend my time more wisely!
Live And Learn. ;- )
-- Randy
Source:
- Posted by Randy on 2014-January-24 07:57:57, Friday
External links
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shame
- Sex Without Shame: Encouraging the child's healthy sexual development by Alayne Yates
