Rob's story

This story is about my life, how it has been over the last two years and how I would like it to be in the future. I'm a 17 year old male, living in the Netherlands.

I guess I've always loved boys ever since I was young. I always liked to look at them and play with them. When I was younger I always played with kids younger than me. Back then I never pictured myself as being "in love" with my younger friends, until two years ago.

Two years ago my view on "love", or at least the view society gave to me about love, changed. I started to ask myself the same question over and over again: "what are my true feelings towards boys?". Although I was searching desperately for an answer (confused and insecure due to the society and its view on love), this question had already been answered 17 years ago, when my life started. It was just that at that point, two years ago, that I first used the word "love" in reference to my friendship with boys.

At first my feelings were mostly confined to sexual ones. I saw my attraction to boys as something normal, nothing out of the ordinary. I thought it would be fun, having sex with boys, experiencing ourselves and our bodies, like every boy does at a certain age, just fooling around with friends!

One summer I went to Tunisia on vacation. For three weeks I enjoyed laying on the beach everyday, looking at beautiful young boys running around, with their heavenly shaped bodies, laughing, having fun! One day something incredible happend. My cousin and I joined a waterpolo competition at the hotel. There were a lot of kids also participating but one just took my breath away. He was probably around 9 years old. We were fooling around and I was kinda teasing him by splashing water in his face, etc. All of a sudden, he swims up to me and puts his hand between my legs. He smiles...

For a moment, my hole body is shaking, I start to breath heavier and my heart starts to pump the warm blood faster and faster through my veins. Its a feeling I can hardly describe to you, and I think there is really no need to do that, you all know well. It ends after a couple of seconds when he swims away again. I never saw him again after those three weeks... Up to this day, I still regret the fact that I didn't gave him that same pleasure then, I wish I would have touched him (I still don't understand why I didn't).

Over the years, I've had a couple of sexual activities in the presence of other boys, but I never had sex WITH a boy. I feel like I've missed something when I read other stories of boylovers. With most of you, it started at a lot younger age and most of you did have sex with other boys at an early age. Is there something something different about me or it is just like in a hetero-sexual relationship, where one has sex for the first time at the age of 12, while somebody else has sex for the first time at 18? This is still one of my problems I don't know how to deal with!

My struggle to survive starts...After this period, my life becomes hell. Around 16, I'm starting to see myself as a sick pervert. Insecure, afraid, frustrated, lonely, confused by my orientation. Everyday I have to cope with the prejudices against boylovers, not knowing were to go, who to talk to, what to do! My emotion becomes over-powered and basically they control my life from that point on. Why me? I ask myself this many times. I beg God to change me! I look at porno-movies, look at pictures, trying to convert myself into a hetero. It doesn't work. Why me, God?

Life becomes unimportant to me. Its not like I've ever wanted to kill myself or planned something like that, the truth is that it all didn't seem to matter to me anymore. Every time I read something in the newspaper about children getting abused or hurt, I would feel guilty, sick and also hurt. Thinking about me abusing children in the future, just like these persons in the news, would make me sad, exhausted, unimportant to the world, and most of all afraid! Afraid I would hurt a child in the future, force him to do things with me, abuse a beautiful little boy... NO! This is not me, I love boys for many things, and yes, sex is one of them, but certainly not my only attraction to boys. Although I knew very well I would never want to (and probably could) hurt a boy, my emotions and the prejudices against boylovers were too powerful, I couldn't handle it! "I'm just a sick person, nobody cares about me" is what I use to say to myself. Nobody would understand me, nobody would feel any compassion with me and my feelings, so why bother? Even looking at little boys would make me feel guilty

This stage went on until approx. one month ago, until I got on the Internet. Thanks to some very special friends, I'm starting to regain strength and the control of my life and emotions. Two of the people I met have been and still are fantastic! One of them is Steffan (Sinatra). Sinatra was the first one I wrote about my feelings! He was and still is a great help and for that I'm grateful to him. Another special person, who I will also never forget, is Manni (Icey). I still write to them as much as I can.

Putting my feelings on paper enables me to control them and enables me to work on myself and my life so my wishes will come true one day. There are a lot of things I wish would happen in the nearby future, all resolving around one thing, a creature, a human being who deserves a special place in my heart: a boy... Loving a boy and being able to spend time with a small boy is truely my one and only wish! And with the help of many trusting friends and with the joy of being around kids, I will succeed in making my wish come true...

Let your soul be your pilot, let your soul guide you...